Dealing with Death & Grief

   Death is a universal phenomenon.  Every person who is born will die one day.  Death is inevitable; no one escapes it.  Right now we are overwhelmed by death and millions of families are experiencing grief and bereavement.

   My family has been touched by death four times within the past year.  Three of these deaths occurred within a two week period of time and my eldest brother died last Sunday morning.  His funeral was six days later.

   We are surrounded by sickness, death and grief in our families, in our nation, and in our world.  Within the past ten months the United States of America has recorded over twenty-two million cases with Covid-19 and more than three hundred and seventy-two thousand deaths.  Currently, over thirty-five hundred persons are dying every day.

   Death confronts us with an irreversible, unalterable, absolute situation and we can do nothing to, for or about the person who has died.  To ease the pain we dress up the dead body, surround it with flowers and pour perfume on and around the body in the casket.  This is like a last rite in some religious communities. 

   As the nation is grieving so is my family.  As death is a universal phenomenon grief is also a universal experience and both are difficult issues to face.  While grief can feel overwhelming and the pain associated with it is real, it’s important to understand that it is a natural emotion.  Going through the grief process is a healthy way of dealing with the loss.  Coping with the loss of a close family member or friend may be one of the hardest challenges that we can face.

   We all know deep in our hearts that death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds us how precious life is.  Acknowledging this fact should motivate us to live responsibly and to the fullest because life is short.

    The loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful and painful experience and can cause major emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and social crises. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement.

   Bereavement is a period of mourning or a state of intense grief, especially following the death of a loved one. Bereavement is often a process that includes going through several stages of grief. There are lots of writings about the stages of grief.  Bereavement can also be used more generally to mean the state of having lost something very dear.

   It is not uncommon to wonder why you feel overwhelmed or to question how long you will experience these feelings.  If you are experiencing grief, it is okay to feel emotionally unstable.  It’s important to allow yourself to grieve and to know when to seek professional help.  Unfortunately, grief is not a fully understood experience and many are still unwilling to discuss this and other important issues. 

   Thankfully, there are many books with vital information to help us deal with the issues of death, grief and bereavement. My task here is to focus on death and grief as they relate to my loss of two significant persons in my life.  My grief challenges me cognitively, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.

   Every person experiences and deals with grief differently and uniquely.  There is no such thing as a list of typical grief reactions.  Normal grief can last as long as three years or more.  This experience includes sorrow, pain, loneliness, anger, depression and can affect interpersonal relationships.  There might be denial, fantasy, restlessness, disorganization, inefficiency, and irritability.  There might be change in behavior and the loss of meaning and purpose in life.

   There are many factors that determine how a person deals with grief.  They are the elements of personality, cultural background and religious beliefs, and the relationship with the person who has died.

   There is also pathological grief which deviates from normal grief.  The grief of the mourner is intensified, delayed and prolonged because of strong ties to the deceased that hinders the mourner from managing life adequately.  There can also be feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, guilt and self-condemnation, social withdrawal and moodiness.

   When we experience grief we are overwhelmed by the task of readjusting to life.  We struggle to free ourselves from the cords that bind us to the departed person.  We try to adjust to an environment from which the person is absent.  We grapple with trying to form new relationships.

   Dealing with grief is a hard, long, painful, slow, repetitive suffering through the same efforts over and over again.   There is recalling and rethinking past experiences hoping to find a breakthrough to the denial and disbelief that the deceased person is gone and we have to face the reality of the absence.

   Eventually, we develop new attitudes, new concepts, and a new appreciation for life which is like a transformation that makes our grief into a positive and worthwhile experience.  This takes time and effort.  It calls for patience.

   My eldest sister-in-law, who joined our family, when I was just eight years old, lived with her husband, my eldest brother, in our home (following custom).  They were married for seventy-one years.  She died in April of last year. Another brother and his daughter died less than two weeks later.

   My sister-in-law loved me and treated me like a son while I was growing up.  Until the day she died she would refer to me as son in our conversations.  The bond was very strong.

   My eldest brother died two days ago.  He was ninety years old.  His death caused me to write this article.  I was closest to him in relationship than with my four other brothers.  He was a tailor before he became businessman.  He sewed my clothes when I was growing up.

   How am I dealing with my grief?  The most important resources I have are my personal Christian beliefs, my Christian community and my family.  I have hope and gain strength, comfort, and support from these relationships.

   I believe that life is a precious gift from God and our loved ones are on loan from God to us.  I enjoy my relationship with them while they are here on earth but when God calls and death separates them from me, I relinquish my hold and give them back to God with gratitude.  

    I have an intimate and dynamic relationship with God through Jesus Christ.  I believe God’s word and promises.  God is with me always.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death God is with me to comfort me and strengthen me. 

   The Bible speaks of Jesus as a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.  He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows. Jesus died on the cross in our place.  He was raised from the dead and is alive forevermore.  He promised that because he lives we shall live also. 

   I know that the pain of my grief will not disappear overnight but because of the faith and hope I have in Jesus Christ who is with me the intensity of my grief is diminished and lightened.  I cast my cares, pain and grief on Christ because he cares for me. 

   I experience grief because that is the price of love.  Because of the great love I have for my loved ones who have died, the pain of my grief is severe. But my hope and love for God and belief in God’s promises are greater.  Because of the gift of the Holy Spirit who lives in me I experience a supernatural power which fills my heart with joy and peace that reduce the pain of my grief. 

   My brother and sister-in-law had lived a full life.  They became sick toward the end of their lives on earth.  I did not want them to suffer a prolonged period of illness so I was willing to let go.  The pain of loss was more severe because I couldn’t go to visit with the family on account of the corona virus which is causing havoc.  I couldn’t attend the funerals.

   In the case of this brother and sister-in-law’s grandson, who had just graduated from college with a degree in law enforcement, who was mistaken for another person and gunned down, reactions and grief responses were very different.  He was the only son of his parents.  I still feel a deep sense of sadness after more than two years following his death.

   As I focus on my current state and feelings of grief over the recent death of my loved ones, I acknowledge a sense of inadequacy to deal with the issues of death, grief and bereavement. To confess the difficulty of doing this, I borrow the words of Vance Havner, famous Baptist preacher, who wrote, “Whoever thinks he has the ways of God conveniently tabulated, analyzed, and correlated with convenient, glib answers from aching hearts has not been far in this maze of mystery we call life and death.”

   I thank God for the presence of the Holy Spirit, for family, friends, colleagues and church members who care and are available with understanding and reassurances.  Their contact and communication provide all that I need to make it through this experience. 

   As we grieve we may find it helpful to engage in some of these actions to help us process and deal with our loss:

• I talk about the death of our loved ones. I am connecting with other relatives, friends and colleagues who are helping me understand what has happened as I remember the deceased person in a positive way. I treasure the beautiful memories. I am avoiding isolation which can disrupt the healing process. I want my support systems to be effective.  Because Covid-19 has caused restrictions on travel, I am grateful for the technology of the internet to make connections.
• I recognize and accept my feelings. I am experiencing a wide range of emotions from sadness and exhaustion.  I know these feelings are normal and it’s important that I recognize when I am feeling this way.  I will not be stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions.   If it think that it may helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help me cope with these feelings I shall not hesitate to reach out and find ways to get back on track.
• I take care of myself and my family. I already have healthy eating habits so I shall continue to practice these disciplines.  I shall eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and get adequate sleep which enhance my physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on the body.  I make sure I connect with my loved ones to check that they are taking the necessary steps to maintain their health.
• I reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Because of the corona virus I can’t travel. I am using technology to spend time with loved ones of the deceased to help everyone cope.  We are sharing stories and listening to our loved one’s favorite music. These small efforts are making a big difference. Helping others has the added benefit of making me feel better as well.  This and other posts are ways of reaching out.
• I will remember and celebrate the lives of my loved ones. We shall continue to observe and probably celebrate the birthdays, anniversaries and other significant events of our departed loved ones.  We know this can be difficult for family and friends, but it will be a time for remembrance and honoring them.  We shall explore the possibility of contributing donations to support a favorite charity.

   I hope you found this helpful.  If you have experienced the death of a loved one or close friend and are going through grief and bereavement, I encourage you to seek professional help.  Psychologists are trained to help people better handle the grief, fear, guilt, depression, anxiety or other issues that can be associated with the death of a loved one.  If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional.  Psychologists can help people build their resilience and develop strategies to get through their sadness. Practicing psychologists use a variety of evidence-based treatments — most commonly psychotherapy — to help people improve their lives.  I encourage you to seek help and triumph over your grief.